I can't write to you without one day writing to you about the pain. Besides the pain of being abandoned, there is other pain and I don't like to remember. I don't like to talk about it. You don't like to either.
But I must close my eyes and go back. Remembering then pain helps me remember why I am the woman I am today. It helps me to be the loving mom I am and it may help someone else.
So, I close my eyes. When I see you right now your are just a toddler. A baby really. You are in a bathroom. I don't know if you know it is a bathroom, but as you get older and you recall this event, you realize it is a bathroom. In the bathroom is a basin of water. (Again later you will realize this is toilet and not just a basin of water at all). You like to play and splash in the water. It is fun.
Daddy comes into the room. In my memory I don't actually see him walk in. I don't recall his clothes or the way he looks. I just remember that you see daddy. Your real daddy. You are not at Aunt Nancy and Uncle Jim's house yet.
As you play and splash in the water a stream of water comes from daddy and you play and splash in that too. You giggle and laugh. He thinks it's funny and laughs too. The memory fades after that.
As you grow up you begin to realize that the stream of water coming from daddy is urine. You will share this story only with a select few. It embarrasses you.
You often wonder if you imagined this or made this up. But I know you didn't.
There are a few other bad memories you have that will haunt you like this one. And when you remember this one, it makes you feel sick. You feel dirty and stupid. "What was wrong with me?" you will ponder. "Why did I play in his pee?"
My dear little princess, you did nothing dirty, wrong or stupid. You were a BABY! As I play the scene in my head again now, I can change the outcome because I am your protector. I can come in and sweep you up into my arms. Just like your mom should have done. I can take you out of the bathroom and clean you up. I can take you away from the bad man. He is the one who is dirty, wrong and stupid. What was wrong with HIM?
I am so sorry this incident has humiliated you for so many years. Adults think children are dumb. They don't remember. They don't understand. They will forget. They are resilient.
Adults can be stupid.
It is a little memory. But, it hurts you and I am sorry. You should be remembering good times, happy times, favorite toys and cute little pets. But, instead the only memories you have from before you were 3 are bad memories.
I am here for you today little one. He can not humiliate you any more.
I love you!
Crystal
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