Today I am sad. It is Saturday and Thursday July 18, 2009 mommy died. All the memories are coming back. There are good memories and bad memories and feelings I never thought I would feel. We did not always get along. She probably spent more time disappointed in you than anything else. But, she did love you. She showed it to you in so many ways.
For instance, at night sometimes you have what you think are hallucinations. There are 3 very distinct things that happen to you. Most of the time it happens when you have a fever. Ma gives you aspirin when you have a fever. They are the little pink baby aspirin. But, they do not seem to help these hallucinations you have.
The first one that you have, you only have a few times. You awake from your sleep and hear thousands of voices yelling yes or no (to be honest I don't remember which one they said) while you scream back the opposite in defiance. Then you realize there is no one there. It is scary, but this only happens a few times. You never tell anyone about this until you are older for fear they will make fun of you.
The second happens a lot more often. You have a hard time explaining it. But, it is as if every sound you hear is in a sad monotone drone. It does not matter if it is the TV in the other room, nor if it is the toilet flushing. Why, even when you speak your voice sounds like it too.
You run to new mommy and cry "Can't you hear it? Don't you hear how everything sounds the same? Listen to my voice! It is like that too". But she can not hear it and she holds you as you cry assuring you that everything will be alright.
The third and final episode is vertigo. Although at this time you do not know that is what it is called. This one seems to happen often when you are sick.
You are in your bed and the room begins to move. You know that it is not real so you close your eyes tight. Maybe, just Maybe if you close your eyes tight it will stop. But it does not stop. It makes you feel sick and you don't like it. You wonder if there is something wrong with you. Inside your brain. You know it is not real but it feels so real. You again run to new mommy and tell her.
Ma starts to wonder if aspirin is the cause of all these hallucinations. Tylenol had become very popular and she starts to give that to you when you are sick. All of the hallucinations go away except the vertigo.
As a mommy, I can not imagine how hard it was for Nancy to take this little girl in who had come from such a troubled home and have her cry out with hallucinations. How scary as a mother to have to go through that. But she never made you feel like there was anything wrong with you. She had such grace and poise. She told you everything would be alright and it was.
I know it was hard sometimes for her to raise you. She did not like your mommy and daddy very much for what they had done. Sometimes, it was hard for her to separate you from them. It was hard for her to see you just for you. But, she did the best she could.
Real mommy and daddy were not there when you went through these hallucinations. They were not there when you later broke your arm. They were not there when your sister died. It was Nancy and Jim who lovingly cared for you during those years.
I still have vertigo. But, now I know that it is because of Meniere's disease. It is an inner ear problem and not a mental problem. I was in my 30s before they diagnosed me. But, at least I now know.
I guess the reason my mom's death has been so hard on me is because I feel orphaned all over again. It is the second time I have lost both my parents. It is so sad and I only hope that writing you and remembering all the good and bad times will help me heal.
I love you!
Crystal
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