Dear Little Crystal,
I am trying to write to you more often. I want to share the beauty of you with others. I feel like I neglect this part of my life. It's easy for me to reject myself as I have learned to be comfortable with rejection. Or at least that is what I tell myself.
I never realized how much you faced rejection at such an early age. "Rejecting", is something some people have made into an art form. In the dictionary it says that one definition is to refuse as lover or spouse. It doesn't talk about refusing a child. However in this country, it is an epidemic.
But the first time you face rejection isn't the day your mommy leaves. I realized recently that neglect is a form of rejection.
I don't know what time of year it is. I scarcely remember anything about the day. I know you are little, very little. You are under 3 years old. You have 2 dolls that you love so much. You have named them Jack and Jill. It will be many years later before I will learn that those dolls are called Kewpie dolls.
I think you are sitting outside playing with them. This may not seem so bad to others that read this story. However, the truth is, you live on skid row in Detroit Michigan. You live in a dangerous part of town. You live in a black ghetto but you are not black. Your sister Linda will one day write about how she would run home from school but often get caught before she could make it all the way home. Those hunting her were people who hated her because she was white. They would grab her and beat her in the alley. That is where you live.
On this day, as you play, you see 2 of your sisters going for a walk down the street. I can't see who they are. I've talked to my siblings and most agree that it is either Tammy and Linda or Cheryl and Linda. Where are they going? It must be fun! They are so much fun! You want to go to. So, as toddlers do, you toddle off to follow them. Sadly, they don't want you to come and as siblings do, they run away from you. On the streets of Detroit, you have been neglected by your parents and rejected by your siblings. I don't see you crying. I don't see how far you get. I don't see anything else until you are sitting on a counter in the police station. You are having a blast. Policemen are heroes. They are handsome and they give you ice cream. There is another little boy there. He is eating ice cream too.
I don't remember your mom coming to get you but, she does. When you get older you tell your family this memory and they are astounded that you can remember so much. Of course you remember. As you get older YOU ARE ASTOUNDED that anyone would lose a child in Detroit Michigan. Who does that? Worst of all, on that very day, you lost your Kewpie dolls and no one seemed to care. Maybe you dropped them on your walk. Maybe someone took them from your front yard. Perhaps you left them in the police car or station. You never find out, but you always miss them.
As you share this story you find out that the 2 sisters were going to the store and that they intentionally ditch you. They were kids. They thought you would go back home.
Rejection never gets easier. You lie to yourself and say that it is easier but the truth of the matter is that it is only easier to hide the pain, to build the walls, to wear the mask. You face rejection in love, friendship, in approval and in your career.
Tomorrow I have an interview. Times are tough right now and I have been looking for a job for 4 months. When you get your 1st job at 13 cleaning a beauty salon, you feel great. You feel accepted. From that point on there is never a job you apply to that you are not given. That is until now.
I have filled out hundreds of applications. I have been to dozens of interviews. I have had many companies tell me to keep applying because they think I am great. Yet, I can't see to close the deal. I want to walk in there and tell the hiring manager to not waste my time and I won't waste their time. I am the best candidate if they want to improve sales. If they don't hire me, the will regret it but they won't know they regret it because they will have no comparison. But whoever does hire me will be their competitor and I can assure them that the competitor will be taking business away from them. When they ask "why do you want to work for our company?" I want to look them straight in the eye and say "because I need a job and you're hiring!"
I won't do any of those things. However, I will bring you with me. When I get done, you and I can look for a policeman, tell him we are lost and then go get an ice cream. We will come home and then I will help you find your Kewpie dolls. I am sure I can find them on Ebay.
I am sorry you were neglected and rejected, but I want you to know that God not only accepts you the way you are, he designed you the way you are.
When others have allowed you to roam the streets of Detroit while still in diapers, God has you in his hands. He doesn't just hold you in his hands. He says he has engraved you in his hands. That's pretty amazing really. Nowadays, a tattoo can be removed for the most part with laser treatment. But, scars are nearly impossible to remove. If God carved us into His skin, we would be a permanent part of Him. He couldn't neglect or reject us if He tried.
I love you and I am working hard on not neglecting or rejecting you either.
Wish me luck on my interview!
Love, Crystal
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
What is in a name, or a title for that matter?
Dear Little Crystal,
It's the weekend. Here at my house, weekends are for rest, spending time together, shopping, fellowship and preparing for the week ahead.
For you, things are a little different.
At a very young age (while in elementary school) you start working for your Uncle Jim. Your Uncle Jim had been really affected by the great depression. Because of this He works hard so his family will never struggle like he did. He was an incredibly hard worker. He was also a great inventor. He invented the The Tight Squeeze Wrench. He and his friends went into business together. They open up a plant and begin production on the wrench. That's where you come in.
Nearly every evening, and every Saturday you and your siblings work at the plant. You get .50 cents an hour and the others get $1. Your tasks are small at first. You glue instructions into the box which can be tedious. Often you take the brush and paint a picture with the glue to stave off boredom. Eventually you will work on a tool press machine that men much older than you cannot work with the speed that you produce.
You have many good times at the plant. Sometimes at lunch you get to eat with Uncle Jim and his partners. As you eat, you always address your new daddy as "Uncle Jim". So does your sister Linda.
At one particular lunch, the wife of one of the partners decides it's her job to be our family counselor.
"When are you going to start calling him dad, honey?" You are speechless. This is never talked about. You were promised that you could call them whatever you want. You were told you never had to call them mom and dad. Why are they asking you? You are not the one who should decide. Where is Linda when you need her?
The lunch continues with you and 3 adults all telling you that Nancy and Jim are your mom and dad now. They love you and you should call them mom and dad. You want to run and hide. Maybe slide under the booth at the coffee shop you are at. You want to cry. I wish I could be there and tell them to stop.
As a child you are often adaptable to the changes that occur in your life. The pain of loss and rejection comes over time. As you grow, you become more aware of what you have lost thus making the emotional injuries much more serious.
Also as you grow, you become more aware of the boundaries people cross that should be taboo. This conversation about what to call your new parents is a boundary that your patriarch should not have let acquaintances cross. But they did, and he did.
It isn't that you don't love your new mommy and daddy. The problem is like many problems in your life, it is deeper. I don't know if it's because I live in a different time, or if it's because my generation is obsessed with self-help. But, it just seems so obvious to me that a child whose parents are still alive and that was taken in by relatives would naturally be confused.
You think in your little heart and mind that if you call these people mommy and daddy Linda will be mad at you. If you call them mommy and daddy, your mommy and daddy might disappear forever. If you call them mommy and daddy, they might leave you too.
Even though they bombard you with opinions, accusations and speculation, it would be a very long time before you would call them mom and dad. Maybe it is your stubborn nature or maybe it is just how God intended it, but you have boundaries yourself and you hold to them.
In my life people will call me many things (some not so nice). As a parent, this incident helped me realize that I needed to be sensitive to my children's desires and needs when they address people in their lives. It also had taught me not to get hung up on titles because the truth is, it is more important where I stand in someone's heart.
Mario is 2 when Doug comes into our lives. As he grows and it becomes more evident that Doug and I will marry and have a family, the mom you have become knows that it's time to talk to Mario about what to call Doug and what to call his dad's future wife. You tell Mario that he can call Doug and Darla whatever he wants (with respect). If they feel like a mom or dad and he feels they deserve it, he can call them mom and/or dad. That doing so is not a question of loyalty to his real mom and dad. You, as a mother, know in your heart that when Mario wants his mom, it is you he wants. You are secure in that thought and do not need sole ownership to a title to know you are his mom.
Mario grows up in our house and to be fair, he actually met Doug before Darla. He decides to call Doug dad, but Darla remains Darla. It's hard on his real dad sometimes, but it is for Mario to decide, not us.
As time goes by there are days you are called Mrs. Maldonado because people know you as Mario's mom. You never correct them. To do so would be to tell Mario that your title is more important than his feelings. When people call you Mrs. Maldonado they are connecting you to Mario and you don't want to ever cause disconnection. But, then one day it happens. Something that will test the true father and son bond between Mario and Doug. One of Mario's friends calls Doug "Mr. Maldonado". Without a look, sigh or any sign of confusion, Doug answered to Mr. Maldonado (and he would many times). He later would say that it was because he knew people called Mario by the last name Yaeger and he liked that Mario never corrected them. He felt that they were family no matter what they were called and he wanted Mario to know that.
On one sunny day little girl, you will walk into the kitchen and hear Linda call Aunt Nancy, Ma. It will be the first motherly title you will give her. It is the sign you have needed to tell you that it's okay, she won't leave you.
I am a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, mom, wife, sister-in-law, friend, and I have held many other titles. But none of them matter if not said with love. I loved Ma.
I love you and will write soon,
Crystal
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
It's the weekend. Here at my house, weekends are for rest, spending time together, shopping, fellowship and preparing for the week ahead.
For you, things are a little different.
At a very young age (while in elementary school) you start working for your Uncle Jim. Your Uncle Jim had been really affected by the great depression. Because of this He works hard so his family will never struggle like he did. He was an incredibly hard worker. He was also a great inventor. He invented the The Tight Squeeze Wrench. He and his friends went into business together. They open up a plant and begin production on the wrench. That's where you come in.
Nearly every evening, and every Saturday you and your siblings work at the plant. You get .50 cents an hour and the others get $1. Your tasks are small at first. You glue instructions into the box which can be tedious. Often you take the brush and paint a picture with the glue to stave off boredom. Eventually you will work on a tool press machine that men much older than you cannot work with the speed that you produce.
You have many good times at the plant. Sometimes at lunch you get to eat with Uncle Jim and his partners. As you eat, you always address your new daddy as "Uncle Jim". So does your sister Linda.
At one particular lunch, the wife of one of the partners decides it's her job to be our family counselor.
"When are you going to start calling him dad, honey?" You are speechless. This is never talked about. You were promised that you could call them whatever you want. You were told you never had to call them mom and dad. Why are they asking you? You are not the one who should decide. Where is Linda when you need her?
The lunch continues with you and 3 adults all telling you that Nancy and Jim are your mom and dad now. They love you and you should call them mom and dad. You want to run and hide. Maybe slide under the booth at the coffee shop you are at. You want to cry. I wish I could be there and tell them to stop.
As a child you are often adaptable to the changes that occur in your life. The pain of loss and rejection comes over time. As you grow, you become more aware of what you have lost thus making the emotional injuries much more serious.
Also as you grow, you become more aware of the boundaries people cross that should be taboo. This conversation about what to call your new parents is a boundary that your patriarch should not have let acquaintances cross. But they did, and he did.
It isn't that you don't love your new mommy and daddy. The problem is like many problems in your life, it is deeper. I don't know if it's because I live in a different time, or if it's because my generation is obsessed with self-help. But, it just seems so obvious to me that a child whose parents are still alive and that was taken in by relatives would naturally be confused.
You think in your little heart and mind that if you call these people mommy and daddy Linda will be mad at you. If you call them mommy and daddy, your mommy and daddy might disappear forever. If you call them mommy and daddy, they might leave you too.
Even though they bombard you with opinions, accusations and speculation, it would be a very long time before you would call them mom and dad. Maybe it is your stubborn nature or maybe it is just how God intended it, but you have boundaries yourself and you hold to them.
In my life people will call me many things (some not so nice). As a parent, this incident helped me realize that I needed to be sensitive to my children's desires and needs when they address people in their lives. It also had taught me not to get hung up on titles because the truth is, it is more important where I stand in someone's heart.
Mario is 2 when Doug comes into our lives. As he grows and it becomes more evident that Doug and I will marry and have a family, the mom you have become knows that it's time to talk to Mario about what to call Doug and what to call his dad's future wife. You tell Mario that he can call Doug and Darla whatever he wants (with respect). If they feel like a mom or dad and he feels they deserve it, he can call them mom and/or dad. That doing so is not a question of loyalty to his real mom and dad. You, as a mother, know in your heart that when Mario wants his mom, it is you he wants. You are secure in that thought and do not need sole ownership to a title to know you are his mom.
Mario grows up in our house and to be fair, he actually met Doug before Darla. He decides to call Doug dad, but Darla remains Darla. It's hard on his real dad sometimes, but it is for Mario to decide, not us.
As time goes by there are days you are called Mrs. Maldonado because people know you as Mario's mom. You never correct them. To do so would be to tell Mario that your title is more important than his feelings. When people call you Mrs. Maldonado they are connecting you to Mario and you don't want to ever cause disconnection. But, then one day it happens. Something that will test the true father and son bond between Mario and Doug. One of Mario's friends calls Doug "Mr. Maldonado". Without a look, sigh or any sign of confusion, Doug answered to Mr. Maldonado (and he would many times). He later would say that it was because he knew people called Mario by the last name Yaeger and he liked that Mario never corrected them. He felt that they were family no matter what they were called and he wanted Mario to know that.
On one sunny day little girl, you will walk into the kitchen and hear Linda call Aunt Nancy, Ma. It will be the first motherly title you will give her. It is the sign you have needed to tell you that it's okay, she won't leave you.
I am a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, mom, wife, sister-in-law, friend, and I have held many other titles. But none of them matter if not said with love. I loved Ma.
I love you and will write soon,
Crystal
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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