I can't write to you without one day writing to you about the pain. Besides the pain of being abandoned, there is other pain and I don't like to remember. I don't like to talk about it. You don't like to either.
But I must close my eyes and go back. Remembering then pain helps me remember why I am the woman I am today. It helps me to be the loving mom I am and it may help someone else.
So, I close my eyes. When I see you right now your are just a toddler. A baby really. You are in a bathroom. I don't know if you know it is a bathroom, but as you get older and you recall this event, you realize it is a bathroom. In the bathroom is a basin of water. (Again later you will realize this is toilet and not just a basin of water at all). You like to play and splash in the water. It is fun.
Daddy comes into the room. In my memory I don't actually see him walk in. I don't recall his clothes or the way he looks. I just remember that you see daddy. Your real daddy. You are not at Aunt Nancy and Uncle Jim's house yet.
As you play and splash in the water a stream of water comes from daddy and you play and splash in that too. You giggle and laugh. He thinks it's funny and laughs too. The memory fades after that.
As you grow up you begin to realize that the stream of water coming from daddy is urine. You will share this story only with a select few. It embarrasses you.
You often wonder if you imagined this or made this up. But I know you didn't.
There are a few other bad memories you have that will haunt you like this one. And when you remember this one, it makes you feel sick. You feel dirty and stupid. "What was wrong with me?" you will ponder. "Why did I play in his pee?"
My dear little princess, you did nothing dirty, wrong or stupid. You were a BABY! As I play the scene in my head again now, I can change the outcome because I am your protector. I can come in and sweep you up into my arms. Just like your mom should have done. I can take you out of the bathroom and clean you up. I can take you away from the bad man. He is the one who is dirty, wrong and stupid. What was wrong with HIM?
I am so sorry this incident has humiliated you for so many years. Adults think children are dumb. They don't remember. They don't understand. They will forget. They are resilient.
Adults can be stupid.
It is a little memory. But, it hurts you and I am sorry. You should be remembering good times, happy times, favorite toys and cute little pets. But, instead the only memories you have from before you were 3 are bad memories.
I am here for you today little one. He can not humiliate you any more.
I love you!
Crystal
Friday, July 24, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Dear Little Crystal
Yesterday was Craig's birthday. It was also your Grandpa's birthday (Aunt Nancy's dad). Come to think of it, it was also your good friend Tammy's birthday. You will meet her when you get to high school.
I was thinking about Craig as I do every year on his birthday. We do not talk much. He does not like me. I am not sure why, but it is just the way it has been for years. You on the other hand, you think he is awesome. That will change in time as he gets angrier with life in general. But the little you, thinks he is the best.
As I thought about Craig I remember a very funny story about him. I am sorry that my memory is already horrible when it comes to how old you are when these things happen, but I imagine you were about 5 when this particular episode occurs. That would make Craig about 11. That is OLD to you!
You live in a ranch style house. As you walk in the door the family room and dinette area are to the left. The dinette area is attached to the kitchen. Straight behind the kitchen is the formal dining room. Straight in front of you is the living room. If you walk a few steps you will see a hall to your right. All the bedrooms are down that hall. 2 on the right and 2 on the left and a bathroom is at the end of the hall.
On this day, you are standing in the hall talking to ma. Craig is running from the shower to his room when his towel flies open and you see his privates. You have never seen this before. He runs into his room. You are still in shock at what you saw. You look up at your mom and say, "When I grow up am I gonna have one of those?" and your mom, being the quick witted woman that she is does not miss a beat and says "I hope not!"
She was so funny and I think you get your wit from her.
Love as always,
Crystal
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Dear Little Crystal
Today I am sad. It is Saturday and Thursday July 18, 2009 mommy died. All the memories are coming back. There are good memories and bad memories and feelings I never thought I would feel. We did not always get along. She probably spent more time disappointed in you than anything else. But, she did love you. She showed it to you in so many ways.
For instance, at night sometimes you have what you think are hallucinations. There are 3 very distinct things that happen to you. Most of the time it happens when you have a fever. Ma gives you aspirin when you have a fever. They are the little pink baby aspirin. But, they do not seem to help these hallucinations you have.
The first one that you have, you only have a few times. You awake from your sleep and hear thousands of voices yelling yes or no (to be honest I don't remember which one they said) while you scream back the opposite in defiance. Then you realize there is no one there. It is scary, but this only happens a few times. You never tell anyone about this until you are older for fear they will make fun of you.
The second happens a lot more often. You have a hard time explaining it. But, it is as if every sound you hear is in a sad monotone drone. It does not matter if it is the TV in the other room, nor if it is the toilet flushing. Why, even when you speak your voice sounds like it too.
You run to new mommy and cry "Can't you hear it? Don't you hear how everything sounds the same? Listen to my voice! It is like that too". But she can not hear it and she holds you as you cry assuring you that everything will be alright.
The third and final episode is vertigo. Although at this time you do not know that is what it is called. This one seems to happen often when you are sick.
You are in your bed and the room begins to move. You know that it is not real so you close your eyes tight. Maybe, just Maybe if you close your eyes tight it will stop. But it does not stop. It makes you feel sick and you don't like it. You wonder if there is something wrong with you. Inside your brain. You know it is not real but it feels so real. You again run to new mommy and tell her.
Ma starts to wonder if aspirin is the cause of all these hallucinations. Tylenol had become very popular and she starts to give that to you when you are sick. All of the hallucinations go away except the vertigo.
As a mommy, I can not imagine how hard it was for Nancy to take this little girl in who had come from such a troubled home and have her cry out with hallucinations. How scary as a mother to have to go through that. But she never made you feel like there was anything wrong with you. She had such grace and poise. She told you everything would be alright and it was.
I know it was hard sometimes for her to raise you. She did not like your mommy and daddy very much for what they had done. Sometimes, it was hard for her to separate you from them. It was hard for her to see you just for you. But, she did the best she could.
Real mommy and daddy were not there when you went through these hallucinations. They were not there when you later broke your arm. They were not there when your sister died. It was Nancy and Jim who lovingly cared for you during those years.
I still have vertigo. But, now I know that it is because of Meniere's disease. It is an inner ear problem and not a mental problem. I was in my 30s before they diagnosed me. But, at least I now know.
I guess the reason my mom's death has been so hard on me is because I feel orphaned all over again. It is the second time I have lost both my parents. It is so sad and I only hope that writing you and remembering all the good and bad times will help me heal.
I love you!
Crystal
For instance, at night sometimes you have what you think are hallucinations. There are 3 very distinct things that happen to you. Most of the time it happens when you have a fever. Ma gives you aspirin when you have a fever. They are the little pink baby aspirin. But, they do not seem to help these hallucinations you have.
The first one that you have, you only have a few times. You awake from your sleep and hear thousands of voices yelling yes or no (to be honest I don't remember which one they said) while you scream back the opposite in defiance. Then you realize there is no one there. It is scary, but this only happens a few times. You never tell anyone about this until you are older for fear they will make fun of you.
The second happens a lot more often. You have a hard time explaining it. But, it is as if every sound you hear is in a sad monotone drone. It does not matter if it is the TV in the other room, nor if it is the toilet flushing. Why, even when you speak your voice sounds like it too.
You run to new mommy and cry "Can't you hear it? Don't you hear how everything sounds the same? Listen to my voice! It is like that too". But she can not hear it and she holds you as you cry assuring you that everything will be alright.
The third and final episode is vertigo. Although at this time you do not know that is what it is called. This one seems to happen often when you are sick.
You are in your bed and the room begins to move. You know that it is not real so you close your eyes tight. Maybe, just Maybe if you close your eyes tight it will stop. But it does not stop. It makes you feel sick and you don't like it. You wonder if there is something wrong with you. Inside your brain. You know it is not real but it feels so real. You again run to new mommy and tell her.
Ma starts to wonder if aspirin is the cause of all these hallucinations. Tylenol had become very popular and she starts to give that to you when you are sick. All of the hallucinations go away except the vertigo.
As a mommy, I can not imagine how hard it was for Nancy to take this little girl in who had come from such a troubled home and have her cry out with hallucinations. How scary as a mother to have to go through that. But she never made you feel like there was anything wrong with you. She had such grace and poise. She told you everything would be alright and it was.
I know it was hard sometimes for her to raise you. She did not like your mommy and daddy very much for what they had done. Sometimes, it was hard for her to separate you from them. It was hard for her to see you just for you. But, she did the best she could.
Real mommy and daddy were not there when you went through these hallucinations. They were not there when you later broke your arm. They were not there when your sister died. It was Nancy and Jim who lovingly cared for you during those years.
I still have vertigo. But, now I know that it is because of Meniere's disease. It is an inner ear problem and not a mental problem. I was in my 30s before they diagnosed me. But, at least I now know.
I guess the reason my mom's death has been so hard on me is because I feel orphaned all over again. It is the second time I have lost both my parents. It is so sad and I only hope that writing you and remembering all the good and bad times will help me heal.
I love you!
Crystal
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Dear Little Crystal (Holidays 2008)
Well, my son arrived safe and sound (and dry). He and I were talking today and it reminded me of a time when you were sick. As I have said before, the letters I write to you are not in chronological order. The truth is, I don't remember things in order. You just simply appear to me at different times in my life. Sometimes, I hear something like a piano or a song. Sometimes I smell something like fresh bread or a fragrance like Aqua Velva (grandpa's favorite). Sometimes I see something like a little girl in the park or a man holding his child's hand as they cross the street. Those sites, sounds and smells trigger something inside of me that brings me back to you.
I am not sure what trigger it was today, but I remember it very clearly as though it were just a few days ago.
As I have stated before, you are a wise little girl. Really, you are wise beyond your years. You know this and sometimes are a bit of a show off. you like to use big words to make sure people know just how "grown up" you really are. Today you are not well and you want to tell Aunt Nancy that you are sick but you want to say it in an adult, polite way. I am not sure how old you are, but I am sure you are under 5 because at this time you are still referring to her as "Aunt Nancy" and not ma. So, this tells me you are still very young.
In your mind, it is important to please her. You must be perfect. You must act right, dress right and speak right. If you do and say the right things, maybe new mommy (Aunt Nancy) won't leave you like the other mommy did.
So, you go to her. "Aunt Nancy, I am constipated" you tell her as you hold your tummy. Aunt Nancy looks down at you with loving and sympathetic eyes and can see your pain. She takes your little hand and reassures you that she has just the medicine to make you feel all better. You take the medicine and you know that soon all will be right. But it isn't all better. As the day goes by you still feel sick. It hurts bad. So, you return to her. "Aunt Nancy, I am still constipated." you cry. Aunt Nancy looks down at you and says "You are? Well, let's get you some more medicine."
But, as time goes by you are getting worse and worse. Finally in the evening you are crying. Now you are running to her. "No matter how much medicine you give me, I still keep having to go potty!" Aunt Nancy is baffled. "What do you mean?" she asks. "I thought you said you were constipated." "Oh I am!" you tell her with tear filled eyes. "I have diarrhea!"
Oh you poor little baby. Trying to use big words you almost ended up in the hospital. Aunt Nancy holding back laughter sat down and explained to you the difference between constipation and diarrhea. She then got you the appropriate medicine.
You learned a very important lesson that day that still serves me today. Be sure you know the meaning of a word (no matter what language) before you use it in a sentence!
I love you sweet pea!
Crystal
I am not sure what trigger it was today, but I remember it very clearly as though it were just a few days ago.
As I have stated before, you are a wise little girl. Really, you are wise beyond your years. You know this and sometimes are a bit of a show off. you like to use big words to make sure people know just how "grown up" you really are. Today you are not well and you want to tell Aunt Nancy that you are sick but you want to say it in an adult, polite way. I am not sure how old you are, but I am sure you are under 5 because at this time you are still referring to her as "Aunt Nancy" and not ma. So, this tells me you are still very young.
In your mind, it is important to please her. You must be perfect. You must act right, dress right and speak right. If you do and say the right things, maybe new mommy (Aunt Nancy) won't leave you like the other mommy did.
So, you go to her. "Aunt Nancy, I am constipated" you tell her as you hold your tummy. Aunt Nancy looks down at you with loving and sympathetic eyes and can see your pain. She takes your little hand and reassures you that she has just the medicine to make you feel all better. You take the medicine and you know that soon all will be right. But it isn't all better. As the day goes by you still feel sick. It hurts bad. So, you return to her. "Aunt Nancy, I am still constipated." you cry. Aunt Nancy looks down at you and says "You are? Well, let's get you some more medicine."
But, as time goes by you are getting worse and worse. Finally in the evening you are crying. Now you are running to her. "No matter how much medicine you give me, I still keep having to go potty!" Aunt Nancy is baffled. "What do you mean?" she asks. "I thought you said you were constipated." "Oh I am!" you tell her with tear filled eyes. "I have diarrhea!"
Oh you poor little baby. Trying to use big words you almost ended up in the hospital. Aunt Nancy holding back laughter sat down and explained to you the difference between constipation and diarrhea. She then got you the appropriate medicine.
You learned a very important lesson that day that still serves me today. Be sure you know the meaning of a word (no matter what language) before you use it in a sentence!
I love you sweet pea!
Crystal
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Goodbye Mom
Today is a sad day. Aunt Nancy has passed away. I got the call this afternoon from Christine. I wish I could be in California with her. I am so sad that I am so far away. I am very glad that I went out and said goodbye to my mom just a few weeks ago. Even though I knew she was ill, I can't believe she is gone. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around it.
I have so many memories of her. I will tell you stories about her later. But, today the pain is too fresh and new.
I am going to write one little story. Today I went to the store to get something for dinner. I saw some flank steaks on sale. Evey year on your birthday Aunt Nancy makes you anything you want for dinner. Every year without fail you ask for flank steak because Aunt Nancy made this steak sauce that was so delicious but she only made it when we had flank steak.
You love that stuff so much you almost drink it! Now when I cook, I make that steak sauce and my kids fight over it whenever we have flank steak. (Actually whenever we have any kind of steak).
When I bought the steaks today, I had not received the call yet that Aunt Nancy had passed on. Then, tonight as I ate dinner I couldn't help but remember all your favorite birthday meals with her. It became an inside joke. "What do you want for dinner Crystal? It's your birthday." she would say with a lilt in her voice. "I know what you want." her voice now taunting you just a little. "I bet you want liver & onions!" Your nose would crinkle up. "No way! I want flank steak!"
How strange I would plan this dinner tonight on nobody's birthday. It was as if God wanted me to celebrate her with the way that she celebrated me. The dinner was wonderful, a little sad, and I still think it tasted better when mom made it.
RIP Mommy I love you!
Crystal
I see you!
I see you sometimes. I see you in different stages of your life. I see you in happy moments and sad moments. And although I see you in many different places and times you are always about 3-5 years old.
My god, you were so cute! I can still close my eyes and visualize your platinum blond hair and pudgy little cheeks. You have such a profound effect on me.
Today I am a supervisor in a major retail store. It does not pay much. I am not that important. It is not what you dreamed of growing up to be. But, I am not sad. I am not disappointed. Because, I take you with me to work everyday. You are the happy, spontaneous and goofy little girl inside of me. You are the spring in my step. You have taught me that life should be playful and fun no matter what our vocation in life.
I love you,
Crystal
My god, you were so cute! I can still close my eyes and visualize your platinum blond hair and pudgy little cheeks. You have such a profound effect on me.
Today I am a supervisor in a major retail store. It does not pay much. I am not that important. It is not what you dreamed of growing up to be. But, I am not sad. I am not disappointed. Because, I take you with me to work everyday. You are the happy, spontaneous and goofy little girl inside of me. You are the spring in my step. You have taught me that life should be playful and fun no matter what our vocation in life.
I love you,
Crystal
Dear Little Crystal 12-18-08
I am writing you these letters because there is so much that the sister, mom and woman I am wants you to know.
You are so sweet (I think I have said that before). You have such a big heart. You love and trust people and that quality is endearing. Your love and trust is as much of who you are just like the freckles on your face. It would not surprise me to find out that there is something in your DNA that makes your heart so loving and so forgiving.
I don't know why some people have taken this gift of your love and trust and just thrown it away like yesterday's garbage.
Don't they see how cute your are? Don't they see your big beautiful blue eyes? Don't they hear your contagious giggle?
Oh little princess, they are fools. They will one day regret their arrogant, self-centered ways and wish to turn back time. Even if they never do, don't close your heart. You will meet many wonderful people who need you, who will love you and who will giggle with you.
Love Crystal
You are so sweet (I think I have said that before). You have such a big heart. You love and trust people and that quality is endearing. Your love and trust is as much of who you are just like the freckles on your face. It would not surprise me to find out that there is something in your DNA that makes your heart so loving and so forgiving.
I don't know why some people have taken this gift of your love and trust and just thrown it away like yesterday's garbage.
Don't they see how cute your are? Don't they see your big beautiful blue eyes? Don't they hear your contagious giggle?
Oh little princess, they are fools. They will one day regret their arrogant, self-centered ways and wish to turn back time. Even if they never do, don't close your heart. You will meet many wonderful people who need you, who will love you and who will giggle with you.
Love Crystal
Separate but equal 12-14-08
(This was one of a few letters I wrote to Little Crystal before I started my blog)
I know you are a part of me. Actually sweetie, you and I are the same person. But, somewhere along the way in my life I began to separate myself from you. In therapy I once learned that it is common for people who are abused or who have suffered a traumatic event to often dream or remember things in the 3rd person. I think this is a mechanism that God gives us to protect ourselves from the horrible reality of the pain abuse or traumatic events cause.
Somewhere along the way I began to see you as this little sweet girl. Not me as a little sweet girl, but rather just some random little sweet girl that I once knew. And although I separated us, I am not like the others in your life. I have not abandoned you. I am here to catch you when you fall, to wipe away your tears, to beam with pride over your triumphs and to love you unconditionally.
Love Always Crystal
Monday, July 13, 2009
Lucky or Blessed?
There you are. Look how cute and crazy you were. This is in the front of the house you grew up in with Aunt Nancy & Uncle Jim in Cypress, California. You are about 4 years old here. Aunt Nancy (who you soon start calling Ma), made you wear a dress every Sunday to church.
Right now I am at my computer. I am playing poker and I am remembering all the times you played cards with Ma. She taught you to play a game called Nertz and you were so good at it. It was a game of quick thinking and even faster hands. All the ladies from the neighborhood would get together and sit around the table and play Nertz. Kids were not invited to play. But, you would sit there and watch. You would even practice by yourself for hours by playing solitaire. Eventually, Ma saw how good you had become. She was already the best. But, she knew that if you two played together, there would be no stopping the Williams gals from taking down every opponent who dared to sit at our table and sip our iced tea.
It was fun. It made you feel grown up. It was also one of the few things you "knew" that mom was proud of you about.
Well little Crystal, guess what? You are still a mean card player. You play a mean game of poker. And you have some kind of weird "lucky" thing about you. You just win random things. I think it is a blessing from God. I don't really believe in luck. I feel that God finds favor in you. I feel that He always has, starting with day he put your precious life in the hands of Jim and Nancy Williams.
Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man."(Proverbs 3:3-4)
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Aunt Nancy
Tonight I am sad. You see, Aunt Nancy is dying. I know that she is your mommy, but she started out as Aunt Nancy. Do you remember meeting her? You were so very little, but you were so very smart. People told you that you were going to California to meet your aunt and uncle for a visit, but you knew better. You knew you were going to live there. I don't know how are why you knew that, you just did.
In California, they have a room for you. It is different then where you live now. You live in a ghetto in Detroit. It is 3 bedrooms and all 10 of you live there. It is dirty and not a good place for kids. Your new house is clean, pretty and quiet. Aunt Nancy is pretty too. She looks like a movie star. When you see her you think she looks like Bewitched.
Your real mommy is gone. You don't know where she is. No one will really tell you. They don't want to talk about it. They don't want you to think about it. You have a new mommy - just like that. Isn't that good enough? When you ask questions you are hushed. The tone and looks tells you that it is naughty to ask.
It does not seem right. So, when you close your eyes at night, you imagine all the wonderful places mommy has gone. One day she will come back to you and she will be rich and famous and she will not hush you when you ask questions. For now, you will stay quiet and learn to love your new mommy, Aunt Nancy.
It will take quite some time before you will be able to let Aunt Nancy be your mommy in the true sense of the word. For now, it seems like she is a pretty nice lady. Until you are sure however, you keep an eye on Alan and see how he does with her. He is your big brother and protector. If he trusts her, then you can too.
I see you're worried. "But, what if new mommy doesn't like me and she leaves too? What if I am not pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough?"
Oh honey, don't cry.
I am a mommy myself now. So, the mommy in me wants to wrap my arms around you and tell you that you are the smartest, prettiest, and sweetest little angle there ever could be. THIS mommy won't leave you.
As I sit here nearly 2000 miles away from Aunt Nancy, crying about that fact that she is leaving us forever, it is strange but it is HER I want to call on the phone to comfort me. I called her a lot when I was hurt.
To you, "Mom" is an image in your mind. It is a definition of what you think a mom is. She cooks, cleans, kisses boo-boos. I think you get most of your "mom" imagery from T.V. I don't know if your real mommy was like that. I remember your sisters doing those motherly type things more than your real mommy. In your mind however, a mommy is just about the most perfect person ever!
Nancy, who grew to be my mommy, was like that. I mean she wasn't perfect. She cooked, cleaned and kissed the boo-boos. I think losing her hurts so much because like Roxanne who lost her love twice, we too have loved but one mom in our life, yet we have lost her twice.
I love you Little Crystal. And just so you know, Aunt Nancy is a good mommy. She loves you. She thinks you are smart, funny and brave. There are things she sees in you she wishes she could be more like. She may be tough on you sometimes, but just remember, she expects a lot from you, because you have a lot to give.
Good night.
I love you!
Introduction
Many psychologist say that survivors of abuse and neglect never really grow up. That they stay emotionally at the age they were when they suffered the abuse or neglect. It is as though their bodies age, and their expectations progress, but somewhere inside there is sill the little child that has been locked in forever by a demon.
This blog is to my little self. I refer to her as "Little Crystal". In my mind's eye, she is about 5 years old. Although in some of the stories I tell she is older or younger. I just still see her as about 5 years old. Today she is still a big part of me. She is the one who wants to see Christmas presents under the tree with her name on them, even though I am a grown woman. She is the one who loves whip cream piled so high on hot cocoa that it leaves a white creamy mustache on her face. She is precious and fun and I am no one without her.
It is for this reason, I have so much to tell her. Some of you who know me right now, would not believe what a bright, exciting, uninhibited and curious girl Little Crystal is.
Others of you, have met her. You were there when she got off the plane at 3 years old. When she met Aunt Nancy & Uncle Jim, and when she lost Alan and gained Linda.
These letters are for her. Although they are here for you to read, They really are for her. As I go through things in my life now, I find that I have so much she needs to know. Please feel free to read and to comment. Also, please note that the letters will not be in Chronological order. They will only be in the order in which I write them. As circumstances happen throughout the day, everyday and I think of her, feel her, I may feel the urge to share with her. But, I guess they are not just for her. These letters are also for all the Little Crystal's in the world who thought they were victims or think they still are.
This above all, to refuse to be a victim. Unless I can do that I am nothing.
-Atwood, Margaret Eleanor
This blog is to my little self. I refer to her as "Little Crystal". In my mind's eye, she is about 5 years old. Although in some of the stories I tell she is older or younger. I just still see her as about 5 years old. Today she is still a big part of me. She is the one who wants to see Christmas presents under the tree with her name on them, even though I am a grown woman. She is the one who loves whip cream piled so high on hot cocoa that it leaves a white creamy mustache on her face. She is precious and fun and I am no one without her.
It is for this reason, I have so much to tell her. Some of you who know me right now, would not believe what a bright, exciting, uninhibited and curious girl Little Crystal is.
Others of you, have met her. You were there when she got off the plane at 3 years old. When she met Aunt Nancy & Uncle Jim, and when she lost Alan and gained Linda.
These letters are for her. Although they are here for you to read, They really are for her. As I go through things in my life now, I find that I have so much she needs to know. Please feel free to read and to comment. Also, please note that the letters will not be in Chronological order. They will only be in the order in which I write them. As circumstances happen throughout the day, everyday and I think of her, feel her, I may feel the urge to share with her. But, I guess they are not just for her. These letters are also for all the Little Crystal's in the world who thought they were victims or think they still are.
This above all, to refuse to be a victim. Unless I can do that I am nothing.
-Atwood, Margaret Eleanor
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