Dear Little Crystal,
It's the weekend. Here at my house, weekends are for rest, spending time together, shopping, fellowship and preparing for the week ahead.
For you, things are a little different.
At a very young age (while in elementary school) you start working for your Uncle Jim. Your Uncle Jim had been really affected by the great depression. Because of this He works hard so his family will never struggle like he did. He was an incredibly hard worker. He was also a great inventor. He invented the The Tight Squeeze Wrench. He and his friends went into business together. They open up a plant and begin production on the wrench. That's where you come in.
Nearly every evening, and every Saturday you and your siblings work at the plant. You get .50 cents an hour and the others get $1. Your tasks are small at first. You glue instructions into the box which can be tedious. Often you take the brush and paint a picture with the glue to stave off boredom. Eventually you will work on a tool press machine that men much older than you cannot work with the speed that you produce.
You have many good times at the plant. Sometimes at lunch you get to eat with Uncle Jim and his partners. As you eat, you always address your new daddy as "Uncle Jim". So does your sister Linda.
At one particular lunch, the wife of one of the partners decides it's her job to be our family counselor.
"When are you going to start calling him dad, honey?" You are speechless. This is never talked about. You were promised that you could call them whatever you want. You were told you never had to call them mom and dad. Why are they asking you? You are not the one who should decide. Where is Linda when you need her?
The lunch continues with you and 3 adults all telling you that Nancy and Jim are your mom and dad now. They love you and you should call them mom and dad. You want to run and hide. Maybe slide under the booth at the coffee shop you are at. You want to cry. I wish I could be there and tell them to stop.
As a child you are often adaptable to the changes that occur in your life. The pain of loss and rejection comes over time. As you grow, you become more aware of what you have lost thus making the emotional injuries much more serious.
Also as you grow, you become more aware of the boundaries people cross that should be taboo. This conversation about what to call your new parents is a boundary that your patriarch should not have let acquaintances cross. But they did, and he did.
It isn't that you don't love your new mommy and daddy. The problem is like many problems in your life, it is deeper. I don't know if it's because I live in a different time, or if it's because my generation is obsessed with self-help. But, it just seems so obvious to me that a child whose parents are still alive and that was taken in by relatives would naturally be confused.
You think in your little heart and mind that if you call these people mommy and daddy Linda will be mad at you. If you call them mommy and daddy, your mommy and daddy might disappear forever. If you call them mommy and daddy, they might leave you too.
Even though they bombard you with opinions, accusations and speculation, it would be a very long time before you would call them mom and dad. Maybe it is your stubborn nature or maybe it is just how God intended it, but you have boundaries yourself and you hold to them.
In my life people will call me many things (some not so nice). As a parent, this incident helped me realize that I needed to be sensitive to my children's desires and needs when they address people in their lives. It also had taught me not to get hung up on titles because the truth is, it is more important where I stand in someone's heart.
Mario is 2 when Doug comes into our lives. As he grows and it becomes more evident that Doug and I will marry and have a family, the mom you have become knows that it's time to talk to Mario about what to call Doug and what to call his dad's future wife. You tell Mario that he can call Doug and Darla whatever he wants (with respect). If they feel like a mom or dad and he feels they deserve it, he can call them mom and/or dad. That doing so is not a question of loyalty to his real mom and dad. You, as a mother, know in your heart that when Mario wants his mom, it is you he wants. You are secure in that thought and do not need sole ownership to a title to know you are his mom.
Mario grows up in our house and to be fair, he actually met Doug before Darla. He decides to call Doug dad, but Darla remains Darla. It's hard on his real dad sometimes, but it is for Mario to decide, not us.
As time goes by there are days you are called Mrs. Maldonado because people know you as Mario's mom. You never correct them. To do so would be to tell Mario that your title is more important than his feelings. When people call you Mrs. Maldonado they are connecting you to Mario and you don't want to ever cause disconnection. But, then one day it happens. Something that will test the true father and son bond between Mario and Doug. One of Mario's friends calls Doug "Mr. Maldonado". Without a look, sigh or any sign of confusion, Doug answered to Mr. Maldonado (and he would many times). He later would say that it was because he knew people called Mario by the last name Yaeger and he liked that Mario never corrected them. He felt that they were family no matter what they were called and he wanted Mario to know that.
On one sunny day little girl, you will walk into the kitchen and hear Linda call Aunt Nancy, Ma. It will be the first motherly title you will give her. It is the sign you have needed to tell you that it's okay, she won't leave you.
I am a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, mom, wife, sister-in-law, friend, and I have held many other titles. But none of them matter if not said with love. I loved Ma.
I love you and will write soon,
Crystal
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
No comments:
Post a Comment