Dear Little Crystal,
You are so tiny and people always comment on that about you. Your best friend calls you a bag o bones. When you play softball your coach says "You are just too little. I'm going to have to throw you back." Of course he is referring to fishing and how if you catch a small fish you throw it back so it can grow up. Your dad always has you get things that fall under the couch or in tight spots "because you can fit". One day you meet Lou Ferrigno and they talk about how is bicep is 21 inches around. It is bigger than your waist. Scarlett O'hara would be jealous!
You are watching Jack LaLanne on TV. He is doing his world famous jumping jacks. You want to be fit and healthy like him. He looks strong and lean. You are tiny and weak. But my sweet little Crystal, the world is a confusing place. People will try to teach you that skinny IS healthy and so begins your unhealthy relationship with food. This battle you have with food will lead you down a path where you will go days without food. Smoking and coffee will be your nutrients. And then one day you will give that up and decide to eat. But, you have no idea what to eat or how to control yourself. So the battle will go an entirely different direction and you will become obese.
I am so sorry that you did not learn about health and nutrition while you were young and seeking it. I wish Jack LaLanne could've come out of the TV and taken you by the had. There will come a day you will have some teachers (Mr Hyluwka and Mr Chaldu) who will try to teach you about healthy choices but by then you are too far gone into self destruction to hear what they have to say.
So here I am today little Crystal. I am 43 (almost 44) and I am doing something desperate to undo all the damage we have done. I am on a local TV show called The Biggest Loser. I work out 5 days a week at 5 am and I am on a very strict diet. But I am so happy I have people willing to help me get my life to where it should have always been. You would be proud of me. I may do a few jumping jacks today just for you.
As always, I love you.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Friday, July 24, 2009
Dear Little Crystal
I can't write to you without one day writing to you about the pain. Besides the pain of being abandoned, there is other pain and I don't like to remember. I don't like to talk about it. You don't like to either.
But I must close my eyes and go back. Remembering then pain helps me remember why I am the woman I am today. It helps me to be the loving mom I am and it may help someone else.
So, I close my eyes. When I see you right now your are just a toddler. A baby really. You are in a bathroom. I don't know if you know it is a bathroom, but as you get older and you recall this event, you realize it is a bathroom. In the bathroom is a basin of water. (Again later you will realize this is toilet and not just a basin of water at all). You like to play and splash in the water. It is fun.
Daddy comes into the room. In my memory I don't actually see him walk in. I don't recall his clothes or the way he looks. I just remember that you see daddy. Your real daddy. You are not at Aunt Nancy and Uncle Jim's house yet.
As you play and splash in the water a stream of water comes from daddy and you play and splash in that too. You giggle and laugh. He thinks it's funny and laughs too. The memory fades after that.
As you grow up you begin to realize that the stream of water coming from daddy is urine. You will share this story only with a select few. It embarrasses you.
You often wonder if you imagined this or made this up. But I know you didn't.
There are a few other bad memories you have that will haunt you like this one. And when you remember this one, it makes you feel sick. You feel dirty and stupid. "What was wrong with me?" you will ponder. "Why did I play in his pee?"
My dear little princess, you did nothing dirty, wrong or stupid. You were a BABY! As I play the scene in my head again now, I can change the outcome because I am your protector. I can come in and sweep you up into my arms. Just like your mom should have done. I can take you out of the bathroom and clean you up. I can take you away from the bad man. He is the one who is dirty, wrong and stupid. What was wrong with HIM?
I am so sorry this incident has humiliated you for so many years. Adults think children are dumb. They don't remember. They don't understand. They will forget. They are resilient.
Adults can be stupid.
It is a little memory. But, it hurts you and I am sorry. You should be remembering good times, happy times, favorite toys and cute little pets. But, instead the only memories you have from before you were 3 are bad memories.
I am here for you today little one. He can not humiliate you any more.
I love you!
Crystal
But I must close my eyes and go back. Remembering then pain helps me remember why I am the woman I am today. It helps me to be the loving mom I am and it may help someone else.
So, I close my eyes. When I see you right now your are just a toddler. A baby really. You are in a bathroom. I don't know if you know it is a bathroom, but as you get older and you recall this event, you realize it is a bathroom. In the bathroom is a basin of water. (Again later you will realize this is toilet and not just a basin of water at all). You like to play and splash in the water. It is fun.
Daddy comes into the room. In my memory I don't actually see him walk in. I don't recall his clothes or the way he looks. I just remember that you see daddy. Your real daddy. You are not at Aunt Nancy and Uncle Jim's house yet.
As you play and splash in the water a stream of water comes from daddy and you play and splash in that too. You giggle and laugh. He thinks it's funny and laughs too. The memory fades after that.
As you grow up you begin to realize that the stream of water coming from daddy is urine. You will share this story only with a select few. It embarrasses you.
You often wonder if you imagined this or made this up. But I know you didn't.
There are a few other bad memories you have that will haunt you like this one. And when you remember this one, it makes you feel sick. You feel dirty and stupid. "What was wrong with me?" you will ponder. "Why did I play in his pee?"
My dear little princess, you did nothing dirty, wrong or stupid. You were a BABY! As I play the scene in my head again now, I can change the outcome because I am your protector. I can come in and sweep you up into my arms. Just like your mom should have done. I can take you out of the bathroom and clean you up. I can take you away from the bad man. He is the one who is dirty, wrong and stupid. What was wrong with HIM?
I am so sorry this incident has humiliated you for so many years. Adults think children are dumb. They don't remember. They don't understand. They will forget. They are resilient.
Adults can be stupid.
It is a little memory. But, it hurts you and I am sorry. You should be remembering good times, happy times, favorite toys and cute little pets. But, instead the only memories you have from before you were 3 are bad memories.
I am here for you today little one. He can not humiliate you any more.
I love you!
Crystal
Monday, July 20, 2009
Dear Little Crystal
Yesterday was Craig's birthday. It was also your Grandpa's birthday (Aunt Nancy's dad). Come to think of it, it was also your good friend Tammy's birthday. You will meet her when you get to high school.
I was thinking about Craig as I do every year on his birthday. We do not talk much. He does not like me. I am not sure why, but it is just the way it has been for years. You on the other hand, you think he is awesome. That will change in time as he gets angrier with life in general. But the little you, thinks he is the best.
As I thought about Craig I remember a very funny story about him. I am sorry that my memory is already horrible when it comes to how old you are when these things happen, but I imagine you were about 5 when this particular episode occurs. That would make Craig about 11. That is OLD to you!
You live in a ranch style house. As you walk in the door the family room and dinette area are to the left. The dinette area is attached to the kitchen. Straight behind the kitchen is the formal dining room. Straight in front of you is the living room. If you walk a few steps you will see a hall to your right. All the bedrooms are down that hall. 2 on the right and 2 on the left and a bathroom is at the end of the hall.
On this day, you are standing in the hall talking to ma. Craig is running from the shower to his room when his towel flies open and you see his privates. You have never seen this before. He runs into his room. You are still in shock at what you saw. You look up at your mom and say, "When I grow up am I gonna have one of those?" and your mom, being the quick witted woman that she is does not miss a beat and says "I hope not!"
She was so funny and I think you get your wit from her.
Love as always,
Crystal
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Dear Little Crystal
Today I am sad. It is Saturday and Thursday July 18, 2009 mommy died. All the memories are coming back. There are good memories and bad memories and feelings I never thought I would feel. We did not always get along. She probably spent more time disappointed in you than anything else. But, she did love you. She showed it to you in so many ways.
For instance, at night sometimes you have what you think are hallucinations. There are 3 very distinct things that happen to you. Most of the time it happens when you have a fever. Ma gives you aspirin when you have a fever. They are the little pink baby aspirin. But, they do not seem to help these hallucinations you have.
The first one that you have, you only have a few times. You awake from your sleep and hear thousands of voices yelling yes or no (to be honest I don't remember which one they said) while you scream back the opposite in defiance. Then you realize there is no one there. It is scary, but this only happens a few times. You never tell anyone about this until you are older for fear they will make fun of you.
The second happens a lot more often. You have a hard time explaining it. But, it is as if every sound you hear is in a sad monotone drone. It does not matter if it is the TV in the other room, nor if it is the toilet flushing. Why, even when you speak your voice sounds like it too.
You run to new mommy and cry "Can't you hear it? Don't you hear how everything sounds the same? Listen to my voice! It is like that too". But she can not hear it and she holds you as you cry assuring you that everything will be alright.
The third and final episode is vertigo. Although at this time you do not know that is what it is called. This one seems to happen often when you are sick.
You are in your bed and the room begins to move. You know that it is not real so you close your eyes tight. Maybe, just Maybe if you close your eyes tight it will stop. But it does not stop. It makes you feel sick and you don't like it. You wonder if there is something wrong with you. Inside your brain. You know it is not real but it feels so real. You again run to new mommy and tell her.
Ma starts to wonder if aspirin is the cause of all these hallucinations. Tylenol had become very popular and she starts to give that to you when you are sick. All of the hallucinations go away except the vertigo.
As a mommy, I can not imagine how hard it was for Nancy to take this little girl in who had come from such a troubled home and have her cry out with hallucinations. How scary as a mother to have to go through that. But she never made you feel like there was anything wrong with you. She had such grace and poise. She told you everything would be alright and it was.
I know it was hard sometimes for her to raise you. She did not like your mommy and daddy very much for what they had done. Sometimes, it was hard for her to separate you from them. It was hard for her to see you just for you. But, she did the best she could.
Real mommy and daddy were not there when you went through these hallucinations. They were not there when you later broke your arm. They were not there when your sister died. It was Nancy and Jim who lovingly cared for you during those years.
I still have vertigo. But, now I know that it is because of Meniere's disease. It is an inner ear problem and not a mental problem. I was in my 30s before they diagnosed me. But, at least I now know.
I guess the reason my mom's death has been so hard on me is because I feel orphaned all over again. It is the second time I have lost both my parents. It is so sad and I only hope that writing you and remembering all the good and bad times will help me heal.
I love you!
Crystal
For instance, at night sometimes you have what you think are hallucinations. There are 3 very distinct things that happen to you. Most of the time it happens when you have a fever. Ma gives you aspirin when you have a fever. They are the little pink baby aspirin. But, they do not seem to help these hallucinations you have.
The first one that you have, you only have a few times. You awake from your sleep and hear thousands of voices yelling yes or no (to be honest I don't remember which one they said) while you scream back the opposite in defiance. Then you realize there is no one there. It is scary, but this only happens a few times. You never tell anyone about this until you are older for fear they will make fun of you.
The second happens a lot more often. You have a hard time explaining it. But, it is as if every sound you hear is in a sad monotone drone. It does not matter if it is the TV in the other room, nor if it is the toilet flushing. Why, even when you speak your voice sounds like it too.
You run to new mommy and cry "Can't you hear it? Don't you hear how everything sounds the same? Listen to my voice! It is like that too". But she can not hear it and she holds you as you cry assuring you that everything will be alright.
The third and final episode is vertigo. Although at this time you do not know that is what it is called. This one seems to happen often when you are sick.
You are in your bed and the room begins to move. You know that it is not real so you close your eyes tight. Maybe, just Maybe if you close your eyes tight it will stop. But it does not stop. It makes you feel sick and you don't like it. You wonder if there is something wrong with you. Inside your brain. You know it is not real but it feels so real. You again run to new mommy and tell her.
Ma starts to wonder if aspirin is the cause of all these hallucinations. Tylenol had become very popular and she starts to give that to you when you are sick. All of the hallucinations go away except the vertigo.
As a mommy, I can not imagine how hard it was for Nancy to take this little girl in who had come from such a troubled home and have her cry out with hallucinations. How scary as a mother to have to go through that. But she never made you feel like there was anything wrong with you. She had such grace and poise. She told you everything would be alright and it was.
I know it was hard sometimes for her to raise you. She did not like your mommy and daddy very much for what they had done. Sometimes, it was hard for her to separate you from them. It was hard for her to see you just for you. But, she did the best she could.
Real mommy and daddy were not there when you went through these hallucinations. They were not there when you later broke your arm. They were not there when your sister died. It was Nancy and Jim who lovingly cared for you during those years.
I still have vertigo. But, now I know that it is because of Meniere's disease. It is an inner ear problem and not a mental problem. I was in my 30s before they diagnosed me. But, at least I now know.
I guess the reason my mom's death has been so hard on me is because I feel orphaned all over again. It is the second time I have lost both my parents. It is so sad and I only hope that writing you and remembering all the good and bad times will help me heal.
I love you!
Crystal
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Dear Little Crystal (Holidays 2008)
Well, my son arrived safe and sound (and dry). He and I were talking today and it reminded me of a time when you were sick. As I have said before, the letters I write to you are not in chronological order. The truth is, I don't remember things in order. You just simply appear to me at different times in my life. Sometimes, I hear something like a piano or a song. Sometimes I smell something like fresh bread or a fragrance like Aqua Velva (grandpa's favorite). Sometimes I see something like a little girl in the park or a man holding his child's hand as they cross the street. Those sites, sounds and smells trigger something inside of me that brings me back to you.
I am not sure what trigger it was today, but I remember it very clearly as though it were just a few days ago.
As I have stated before, you are a wise little girl. Really, you are wise beyond your years. You know this and sometimes are a bit of a show off. you like to use big words to make sure people know just how "grown up" you really are. Today you are not well and you want to tell Aunt Nancy that you are sick but you want to say it in an adult, polite way. I am not sure how old you are, but I am sure you are under 5 because at this time you are still referring to her as "Aunt Nancy" and not ma. So, this tells me you are still very young.
In your mind, it is important to please her. You must be perfect. You must act right, dress right and speak right. If you do and say the right things, maybe new mommy (Aunt Nancy) won't leave you like the other mommy did.
So, you go to her. "Aunt Nancy, I am constipated" you tell her as you hold your tummy. Aunt Nancy looks down at you with loving and sympathetic eyes and can see your pain. She takes your little hand and reassures you that she has just the medicine to make you feel all better. You take the medicine and you know that soon all will be right. But it isn't all better. As the day goes by you still feel sick. It hurts bad. So, you return to her. "Aunt Nancy, I am still constipated." you cry. Aunt Nancy looks down at you and says "You are? Well, let's get you some more medicine."
But, as time goes by you are getting worse and worse. Finally in the evening you are crying. Now you are running to her. "No matter how much medicine you give me, I still keep having to go potty!" Aunt Nancy is baffled. "What do you mean?" she asks. "I thought you said you were constipated." "Oh I am!" you tell her with tear filled eyes. "I have diarrhea!"
Oh you poor little baby. Trying to use big words you almost ended up in the hospital. Aunt Nancy holding back laughter sat down and explained to you the difference between constipation and diarrhea. She then got you the appropriate medicine.
You learned a very important lesson that day that still serves me today. Be sure you know the meaning of a word (no matter what language) before you use it in a sentence!
I love you sweet pea!
Crystal
I am not sure what trigger it was today, but I remember it very clearly as though it were just a few days ago.
As I have stated before, you are a wise little girl. Really, you are wise beyond your years. You know this and sometimes are a bit of a show off. you like to use big words to make sure people know just how "grown up" you really are. Today you are not well and you want to tell Aunt Nancy that you are sick but you want to say it in an adult, polite way. I am not sure how old you are, but I am sure you are under 5 because at this time you are still referring to her as "Aunt Nancy" and not ma. So, this tells me you are still very young.
In your mind, it is important to please her. You must be perfect. You must act right, dress right and speak right. If you do and say the right things, maybe new mommy (Aunt Nancy) won't leave you like the other mommy did.
So, you go to her. "Aunt Nancy, I am constipated" you tell her as you hold your tummy. Aunt Nancy looks down at you with loving and sympathetic eyes and can see your pain. She takes your little hand and reassures you that she has just the medicine to make you feel all better. You take the medicine and you know that soon all will be right. But it isn't all better. As the day goes by you still feel sick. It hurts bad. So, you return to her. "Aunt Nancy, I am still constipated." you cry. Aunt Nancy looks down at you and says "You are? Well, let's get you some more medicine."
But, as time goes by you are getting worse and worse. Finally in the evening you are crying. Now you are running to her. "No matter how much medicine you give me, I still keep having to go potty!" Aunt Nancy is baffled. "What do you mean?" she asks. "I thought you said you were constipated." "Oh I am!" you tell her with tear filled eyes. "I have diarrhea!"
Oh you poor little baby. Trying to use big words you almost ended up in the hospital. Aunt Nancy holding back laughter sat down and explained to you the difference between constipation and diarrhea. She then got you the appropriate medicine.
You learned a very important lesson that day that still serves me today. Be sure you know the meaning of a word (no matter what language) before you use it in a sentence!
I love you sweet pea!
Crystal
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Goodbye Mom
Today is a sad day. Aunt Nancy has passed away. I got the call this afternoon from Christine. I wish I could be in California with her. I am so sad that I am so far away. I am very glad that I went out and said goodbye to my mom just a few weeks ago. Even though I knew she was ill, I can't believe she is gone. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around it.
I have so many memories of her. I will tell you stories about her later. But, today the pain is too fresh and new.
I am going to write one little story. Today I went to the store to get something for dinner. I saw some flank steaks on sale. Evey year on your birthday Aunt Nancy makes you anything you want for dinner. Every year without fail you ask for flank steak because Aunt Nancy made this steak sauce that was so delicious but she only made it when we had flank steak.
You love that stuff so much you almost drink it! Now when I cook, I make that steak sauce and my kids fight over it whenever we have flank steak. (Actually whenever we have any kind of steak).
When I bought the steaks today, I had not received the call yet that Aunt Nancy had passed on. Then, tonight as I ate dinner I couldn't help but remember all your favorite birthday meals with her. It became an inside joke. "What do you want for dinner Crystal? It's your birthday." she would say with a lilt in her voice. "I know what you want." her voice now taunting you just a little. "I bet you want liver & onions!" Your nose would crinkle up. "No way! I want flank steak!"
How strange I would plan this dinner tonight on nobody's birthday. It was as if God wanted me to celebrate her with the way that she celebrated me. The dinner was wonderful, a little sad, and I still think it tasted better when mom made it.
RIP Mommy I love you!
Crystal
I see you!
I see you sometimes. I see you in different stages of your life. I see you in happy moments and sad moments. And although I see you in many different places and times you are always about 3-5 years old.
My god, you were so cute! I can still close my eyes and visualize your platinum blond hair and pudgy little cheeks. You have such a profound effect on me.
Today I am a supervisor in a major retail store. It does not pay much. I am not that important. It is not what you dreamed of growing up to be. But, I am not sad. I am not disappointed. Because, I take you with me to work everyday. You are the happy, spontaneous and goofy little girl inside of me. You are the spring in my step. You have taught me that life should be playful and fun no matter what our vocation in life.
I love you,
Crystal
My god, you were so cute! I can still close my eyes and visualize your platinum blond hair and pudgy little cheeks. You have such a profound effect on me.
Today I am a supervisor in a major retail store. It does not pay much. I am not that important. It is not what you dreamed of growing up to be. But, I am not sad. I am not disappointed. Because, I take you with me to work everyday. You are the happy, spontaneous and goofy little girl inside of me. You are the spring in my step. You have taught me that life should be playful and fun no matter what our vocation in life.
I love you,
Crystal
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