I have been avoiding you. Writing to you hurts so much sometimes. But, I started this blog as a way of going back in time and loving and protecting you the way you should have always been loved.
Lately my world feels confusing. When the world is confusing to you, you calm yourself by sucking your thumb and playing with your ear. I am proud to say, I do not suck my thumb any more. I do however still play with my ear. That habit has caused me to have a cauliflower ear and I don't even box! You also sing, dance & act. No one is there to applaud. But, all alone you put on quite a show.
Often when children are adopted and are old enough to remember their parents, they will fantasize & dream of the day that their parents will get their lives in order, get back together and then whisk the child away with them to that place in fairy tales called Happily Ever After.
You are not like most kids. Your mind doesn't work the same. You live somewhere on the mezzanine of fantasy and reality. Even at 3 you understand that mom and dad are not coming back. They are not getting back together. But you don't miss them anyway. I am not saying that to be mean or snippy. It's just the truth. There is someone you actually rely on more. There is someone you miss more.
Your oldest brother and oldest sibling Doug is who you really miss. He is Superman to you. When you are alone singing and playing and sucking your thumb. you know in your heart that Doug will one day come and sweep you up in his arms and take you to a house with a white picket fence where all your brothers and sisters live and are waiting for you.
Doug is your hero. You have a bond with him that is phenomenal. When you were born Doug picked out your name, Crystal Joy. When you were born, Doug worked to help pay the family bills. Doug changed your diapers and fed you bottles. In nearly every picture from those days you are in his arms.
At your new home, you can't remember all your siblings. When Linda first arrived, you knew she was your sister, but you did not remember her. You had to be told by Alan who she was. Yet there is nothing that can erase Doug from your memory. You write him letters, draw him pictures and dream of the days he will hold you again.
My dear sweet angel, life rarely goes as we plan. I can go on and on about all the things that played a part in the estrangement between you and Doug, but today I just want to close my eyes and go back to his arms. I was so happy there. Doug died this week. And the mixture of sadness, guilt and utter loneliness I feel over this loss is overwhelming.
Douglas Ray Williams I love and miss you and I'm sorry if you died not knowing that.
As for you my sweet little Crystal. I will write to you soon when I have more strength.
As always little princess,
I Love You.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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